The best abstract ever:
We discuss the possibility of utilizing the ultra-high energy neutrino beam (~ 1000 TeV) to detect and destroy the nuclear bombs wherever they are and whoever possess them.
I think as far as all possible abstract techniques, this is the way one should go. Grab your audience immediately, include something vaguely technical (TeV) and mention nuclear bombs so you can get lots and lots of defense money. You might think this abstract is a lot of hooey, and you really wouldn't be wrong, but it originates from a real paper published in 2003, titled Destruction of Nuclear Bombs Using Ultra-High Energy Neutrino Beam.
My favorite line: "We believe the only way this machine may be built when all the countries on earth agree ... by creating an organization which may be called the 'World Government' for which this device becomes the means of enforcement." Brilliant, simply brilliant! What is actually interesting in this paper is the recommended first step in researching this technology, which may take "an order of a century to achieve."
(1) First, we should construct a neutrino factory which could have substantially lower energy than even 1 TeV. The purpose is to fully understand the properties of the neutrino including mass, mixing angles, CP violating phase, Majorana property and the interactions with other particles.
Translation: We will promise the moon, if you just let is do some interesting basic physics.
This paper was mentioned over lunch as an example of the extremes scientists will go to for funding. I thought it was a joke, but after reading the paper, it seems they wrote it in earnest. Is this what we have been reduced to? Must we whore ourselves for defense money in order to get funding for basic science research? Granted neutrino projects have become "popular" and seem to have secure funding for the time being, but perhaps they could pull the "nuclear-bomb-sniffer" card when things get a little iffy. We need to start thinking outside the research box into more military-based scientific applications. It would certainly be more lucrative than a bake sale.