A Bad Joke.

Like good physicists, the conversation deteriorated into sharing bad physics jokes on the night of the banquet. Normally I would take this opportunity to mock my peers, but I really love a good bad physics joke. The cheesier the better. I have one particular joke I always bring out for such occasions. It is so good, I really try to use it sparingly, but it is just too good to be kept to myself. So to assist those of you who might be stuck in a room of 1300 physicists – tell this joke and it is a guaranteed winner (well, it was a winner to the five physicists close enough to hear me, which I thought was a significant enough sampling).

Clever and witty joke teller: "What is the integral of 1/cabin d(cabin)?" (say this out-loud and it will make more sense.)

Physicist who thought they were clever and witty: "How cute! You get a log(cabin)."

Even cleverer and wittier joke teller: "No, you silly goose! It is a beach house you forgot to add the C (sea)!"

I question if there is a better bad physics joke (for God's sake, it is funny on multiple levels!) and I dare you to share your finest.

Bring it.

Comments

[sam]

You said cheesy was alright? Well OK, I guess I'll be the first one out on the dance floor. Here goes:

OK, so an engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel.
The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trash can from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.
Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.
Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, "Ah, a solution exists!" and then goes back to bed.
(insert rimshot here)

PS -> By the way. The extra boost in traffic you're getting today is from a link at
http://sprott.physics.wisc.edu/pickover/pc/realitycarnival.html

[Aviv]

Q1: What do you get when you cross a chicken and a turkey?

A: Chicken Turkey Sine Theta.

Q2: What do you get when you cross a chicken and a rock climber?

A: You can't do that, because a rock climber is a scalar.

[partial d.]

In the magical joke world where functions of a real variable are anthropomorphized, 1 and e^x are walking down the street.

Suddenly 1 stops, points across the street and says, "Oh no; there's The Derivative. The Derivative will annihilate me."

e^x says, "Have no fear. I can meet The Derivative and return unscathed." So e^x walks confidently across the street, goes up to The Derivative and says, "Hello, I'm e^x."

The Derivative responds, "Hi. I'm d/dy."

Yeah, that's pretty poor.

P.S. These are math jokes, not physics jokes.

[sam]

The Stanford Linear Accelerator Center was known as SLAC, until the big earthquake, when it became known as SPLAC.
SPLAC? Stanford Piecewise Linear Accelerator.

[dan]

Q:Where do physicists go for a drink?
A: h-bar

[Caolionn]

Well done, all. Way to rally for a cause and give me good material for the next conference banquet.

-c

[p mod d]

Before you close this forum, I've got one more:

Q: What's the difference between the SO(3) and Michael Jackson?

A: One is a simple Lie algebra; the other is a pederast.

[Miriam]

A bar walks into a physicist--

Oops! Wrong reference frame.

[Matt]

Hey Dan, it's no joke! See
http://hfs.washington.edu/dining/places/espresso/hbar/

[daedalus]

Ok, so this isn't necessarily related to physics, but I usually hit freshmen with it during their first class just to bolster the stereotype of geeky physicists.

Q: What goes oink 3.14159265, oink 3.14159265, oink 3.14159265?

A: A pork pi.

(groan)

[ln(n!) ~ ln(n)-n]

I don't get it. Why does there need to be a c? I'm confused.

Two sodium atoms are walking along. One loses and electron and says, "Shoot, I just lost an electron." The other one says, "Are you positive?"....

My favorite:

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. After the bartender brings the drink, the neutron asks him how much for the drink. The bartender says, "For you, no charge."

[Caolionn]

Wow, I am so pleased with how geeky the readership of this blog seems to be. So many bad, cheesy physics jokes, I'm in heaven.

p.s. For those of you who have been far removed from your indefinite integrals, the C is the constant from integration.

[Bob]

Sorry it's late, but did you hear about the wave-function that couldn't handle it's drink?

It collapsed at the bar.

[Caolionn]

Bob: It is *never* too late for bad physics joke.

[the enforcer]

Isn't Stirling's approximation n! ~= n ln n - n?

Please advise.

[restodelmondo]

I think Stirling's approximation is ln(n!)~= n ln(n)-n.

And if it's never too late for bad jokes, here's my favorite one:
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
Aleph-null bottles of beer,
You take one down, and pass it around,
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.