Ursula Bassler

So long and thanks for all that Fish!

What to say now? The famous last words on this blog.

Hmm. I am truthfully very happy to have participated in the QDs. And I am disoriented about the QDs to end. Like a candiate leaving reality TV show and going back to normal life.

There were moments, I felt just one idea coming to my mind after another, and everything looked funny, interessting and important to write about; there were moments, I felt utterly discouraged and doubtful, that anything could possibly be of interest to anyone else.

Sometimes I regret that I haven’t taken a little more care to choose subjects potentially more interesting and physics related. But in the coming and going of daily life there was not that much room to do something else than to give snapshots of my mind - and I am egocentric, more or less like anyone else - mais c'est pas grave?!? I (re-)discovered how much I like writing, and I would love to find myself in a context where such a thing as the QDs could take a bigger fraction of time. Physics publications are pretty narrow in style and certainly not a place for any personal expression, nor allowing much room for a little phantasy or outburst of narrative creativity. Yet, I don't know if I will continue blogging somewhere: just for myself? Hmm. Maybe there are other projects somewhere? You may check-out if I found something or let me know if you know about something here.

Or maybe there will be another video! I certainly discovered vid eos and would very much like to do something more with them. Don't hesitate to let me know, if you have a little project in mind. I may even buy my own camera soon. Or the new sofa?

What else? Professionally this year changed a lot for me. Taking more responsibilities in our lab was certainly an opportunity that allowed me to move away from doing purely technical work. I had too much of sitting in front of a computer screen far away from the experiment. I need interaction with real people, I need to think about larger issues than just why this program is not compiling and I can only do the tedious pea-counting work, if there is equilibrium with tasks that are more forgiving (ok, I still have this bug in my bones as well) Then there was the end of my convenership for the calorimeter, which opened up the question what to do next. It was an important step for me to decide to stay on D0 for doing a physics analysis first, hopefully with a new student, before switching to an LHC experiment. Taking this decision conciously, being aware of different possiblities and feeling that I want to do this, and not I "should" do this, changed my perspective on work, and I think I will even be easier to deal with the distance between Paris and Fermilab. Generaly, it is also not a very easy period for the field: funding is cut a little bit everywhere, and we all wait for the next big discovery: wherever this might be, please let it be soon!

And personally? Well, traveling less to Fermilab, staying more in Paris, I started to notice again what is happening outside the small world of academia. Even to take some steps there myself, not without falling on my nose, getting some slaps in my face, and looking how to get through, but it’s worth it! Maybe most people make these discoveries much earlier in live, for me growing up may have taken a little longer. Last year, I behaved like other people were playing with my tokens; I think now, I've taken at least some of them in my hands. I still don’t know all the rules, and my game may not be fantastic. But at least it will be mine.

Happy New Year! 

Le bogue est mort

…il ne crira plus cocodi cocoda” I think that’s it. We had two inconsistencies in the bug-fixer results, but we understand both of them, and none needs a software update.

After driving back from Alsace, Barbara and Eddi stayed in my tiny flat in Paris for two nights before heading to Brittany. And I am working nervously understanding what my software is doing. Some impatience in our daily phone-conferences starts to leak through. It is obvious, that we have to start the bug-fixing-reprocessing of parts of the data, if we don’t want to run out of time for the winter conference results.

But I think we are there. Yesterday evening I sent a mail to Jan, because I couldn’t find some problem in my part of the code. I woke up at 5:00 this morning, logged in and 2 minutes later, I just got a reply from Jan, explaining in some more detail what “his” part of the software is doing, and why this looks consistent to him. I immediately started to run some more tests: the laptop on my knees in bed, while drinking coffee, and I understood. Uff.

I still feel nervous before the phone-conference (every day, I have to dial three or four times the number before getting it right!) but the tension is starting to fall. I feel relieved, even a little sad. Barbara and Eddi just left. I wasn’t in a mood receiving them very warmly these two days, but I think they understood. These holidays have been very different from what I imagined. Also for all those who worked because of this bug. Sorry.

I think, doing the dishes, will just be the right thing to come back to where this whole thing started. 

Halma

Do you know Halma? Apparently it is called Chinese checkers in English, yet in Germany the field has the form of a star and you can play it with two or three playes. It’s a game that has always been played at home, my parents play it especially in winter, when there is nothing to do outside.

Chrismass lasts in Germany until the 26th, and it’s been a pretty particular Chrismass this year. Since I didn’t have my car, and since I've still been busy testing out the bug-fix-repair-software using the Windows 98-PC of my parents without X-server, since I've been writing this thesis report on a German keyboard, I spent the whole Chrismass with my parents or at home. Normally I am driving around, visiting my cousins, friends who are visiting their parents as well etc. My parents also did not went to visit other parts of the family. It’s been nice actually. I think the atmosphere between my parents and me has never been so relaxed than this year, like we manage finally to respect each other as we are.

So we played Halma these evenings. Yesterday I was playing as always, rather reactively, just trying to make always the best moves. Today, I finally started to think! I considered how to build roads to move my tokens more efficiently – I won all the games. Yet I didn’t even start thinking how to hamper the moves of my father or cut back my mother. I like this game!

Being tired of too much thinking, we started to play dices. Yes, I know, that with some probably very basic knowledge of statistics, I should be able to optimize my chances of winning. But I don’t. I lost every game. No, I am not among the lucky ones. One gets most points, if all the five dices have the same number with at most three strokes. I got it only during the last game, when my father already stopped playing, but then twice!Following the rules, the second "five in a row", counted in my case only 5 instead of 50 points. So much about good luck and gaussian distributions.

More sheep, the angel and Maria

After all the mishaps lately, I decided spontaneously to take the train to go to my parents. Although because I got an SMS from Barbara, that they will drive to Paris from Alsace on the 27th, and that I could go back with them. It looks much more appealing than driving alone, still without a car radio. An then, there is this thesis report, which I should have sent last Monday already, and with all the bug-stories, I just didn’t do. Five hours reading in the train should be a good start to get it done over X-mass. And I will be in time for the next phone-conference at 4:00 pm.

In Germany, we mostly celebrate on the evening of the 24^th. Growing up, X-mass presents are negotiated every year: this year my brother insisted on “no-presents”. That’s fine with me. Since I went to a school exchange with Burgundy, when I was twelve, we created the tradition to eat a “Fondue Bourguignonne” on X-mass eve. My parents will go to church at 5:00 pm, my brother and Silvie will come around 6:00 pm, and we will sit in the kitchen, eat Fondue, drink red wine and chat. Last year, as my father was not in very good shape, I’ve invented the X-mass water: add some sliced ginger, rosemary and sage to a carafe of water – it tastes so delicious, that no one has a head ache the next day.

Normally it’s my task to prepare all the sauces and dips for the fondue, this year my mother did it. My father has always been in charge to decorate the X-mass tree. Its size has been tremendously reduced over the years, yet my father still puts the crèche from my Grandma. During her days it was somewhat more elaborated, around a dramatically shaped stone with moss around. I still like very much the sheep. They are quite unique, with some molleton fur, the angel has a glued wing since ever, and this year’s Maria looks very preoccupied, yet in a different direction than the baby. Maria is also my mother's first name. X-mass became pretty profane in my family – maybe that’s why I still enjoy it. 

Daydream before X-mass

You remember that movie from Tim Burton a couple of years ago, Nightmares before X-mass? I am sitting in my office, today, although I am officially on holidays and was meant to drive home to my parents in Germany. I am sitting in my office, and I am just dreaming away, how much I would like to have some quite time, to go shopping for some presents, to bring home some wine for X-mass lunch, or just arranging the flat a little before leaving.

I logged in this morning, and got the conclusions of the management meeting yesterday. Apparently it was not clear that we would need some additional software to correct for this bug from the data we have already reprocessed. A phone conference is scheduled for 9:00 am Fermilab time, 4:00 pm here in Paris. I called my mother and told here that I will arrive only tomorrow and I start to prepare the software in question. At 5:30 pm we have to leave the lab, which will be closed without access until January 2^nd.

PS: It’s been 10:30 pm when I left the lab. Everything was dark except the light in the cupola. Even the coffee and the vending machines have been switched off. When everyone was kicked out, Nicolas told me, that I could stay, and that he trusts me that I will shutdown my computer and close down whatever I am still using. The bug-fix-repair code is commited to the software repository. I've sent e-mail to everyone concerned. There is a great feeling of satisfaction, like after having acomplished something important, having overcome a big difficulty - yet we still have to do some more testing. Slamming the door behind me, I knew I couldn’t get anything from my office before January. Hope I didn’t forget something crucial to continue working from home.

Remains after the storm

Yesterday we announced the bug “officially” to the upper-management of D0. Quit some data is affected, which has to be reprocessed in one way or another. We tried to answer all their questions by e-mail. Later the upper-management will have their weekly meeting, during which they will discuss this issue. I didn’t have any phone call or conversation with anyone, so I hope there is no misunderstanding in the information we gave to them. Waiting in the eye of the storm.

Today was also the “Pot de la fin d’année” in the lab. Many left already as the school holidays started already last Friday, but many retired members of the lab came. I was very happy to talk a little with Jeanne Laberrigue, even though I felt sorry, that I still didn’t finish editing the video. I always thought to do so over the X-mass holidays, but who knows what will happen now with the bug.

The pot was delicious – we asked Jeannie, to have rather those delicious little canapés we had in September, than the normal "buffet campagnard", which is rather copious with ham, cheese and red wine. This year it was light, delicate and with champagne. Also because it was the retirement pot of Michel Beaubillier at the same time. He is the last physicists who was a member of the lab at its creation. Some naturally did complain, that there was not enough to eat, yet I hope that they will not gain their cause. Contrary to previous years, there was not much left on the plates. Another storm over.

Dance with the Sheepman

One of my favorite authors is Haruki Murakami, even though I didn’t read any new book by him this year. “The wild sheep chase” and “Dance, dance, dance” describes the story of love, losses, and searches. The settings are absurd, unreal, fantastic, yet, they have very much to do, with a reality inside. Isn’t that literature?

In the second one, the hero meets a mysterious sheep-man, who tells him, that parts of him, inside are dead and lost, but that his only way to get along with, is to continue to dance.

Today I discussed the bug for the first time with Jan and Patrice who are leading the CALGO group now. I felt awfully nervous, but we managed to deal with the whole thing pretty professionally, trying to evaluate the damage, and I even got some consolation with a “well, why did it take so long to the whole collaboration to look at these data?”.

Nothing much left to do right now, I decided to go to my ballet class. I am not the only one in the lab, actually a student, Julie, is taking the same class as well. However, she knows how to dance. I think there is something very attractive in ballet for physicists. The nearly mathematical structure of the exercises, the codified expressions. I even found this book “Physics and the Art of Dance” written by a Physicists (Cambridge University Press) - I didn't buy it, but took "Classical Ballet Technique", containing even photos of the "acceptable" ballet foot! For me ballet is something like occidental yoga and I always love to start with the familarity of the plies, like diving into a certain mode of concentration.

Arriving home however, all my élan to do something vanishes. No, I don’t feel any calm, nor excitement to go dancing, I only want to rest and not to be confronted by myself. “The Elephant Vanishes” is another story by Murakami. 

"J'ai decide de me retirer de la vie politique"

I assume the full responsibility and I decided to retire from politics” – these were the words of Prime minister Linoel Jospin, when he lost the first tour of the French presidential elections against the extrem-right wing candidate Jean-Marie Le Pen in 2002.

“I assume the full responsibility and will retire from physics”, software, etc. – that’s what I would like to say today.

I found my bug. It is very serious. No escape. It's sitting there, and it's ugly. I don’t know how many people have worked for the last two months and can restart all over. Do you have an idea how I feel? Yes indeed, I am very gifted for flagellating myself when I did a mistake.

But this is really a big one.

Even though I could very well understand the decision of Jospin by then, in the end, he really abandoned the Socialist Party, at the moment, where they would have needed him. In some sense he took the easy choice.

Ok, I will stay in Physics (what else?) start confronting my colleagues tomorrow, and stop blaming myself.

And yes, I will go to the X-mass tea organized by friends in “Rue de l’Université”, actually just around the corner of the Siège of the Socialist Party!

PS: someone talked about an Opera by Philip Glass "Einstein on the Beach". Definitely, Einstein is everywhere.

The warmth of a kitchen

Slowly I am working my way through the bug. Everything I discover is bad and that it how I feel about it.

Yet I don’t have that much time to search for the bug: I promised to cook soups for the last three presentations of Brecht's “The Life of the Master Race” by K-Orchestra during the festival "Premier Pas/Enfants des troupes" at the Cartoucherie. Arianne Mouchkine initiated the idea a long time ago to serve a dish associated with a play - Franck Pendino, the director from K-Orchestra asked for my expertise being German. After  some back and forth I've learnt, that finaly they were left without a dedicated German dish, and I contacted them again: simply because I liked the idea so much. For nothing else than the fun of it. But to me a committement is a committement. And indeed, it was a funny experience! 3kg lentils, 2 kg carrots, 2kg leek, 2kg onions, 2 celeries, 750 g bacon and 24 smoked sausages  - salt and cayenne pepper – 50 servings! I’ve never cooked so huge quantities and it worked out – it was sold out every evening! Arianne Mouchkine complimented me on top of it, while sitting with her laptop in the kitchen working. It was such a warm and cosy experience, like when I did my homework in the kitchen while my mother was cooking.

The idea of this festival, is, that besides for companies presenting their first work, to have them to take care of everything concerning the festival. So every day someone different helped cutting all the vegetables. Azziz and Ali overlooked and organized everything concerning the cooking. Stories of refugees from Afganistan. And a discreet glass of mulled wine with Ali before the soups went out to the bar.

It’s wonderful to work in a kitchen, to prepare food, to taste until it’s right, to share it with people around, to do something concret – and when it goes out, you know it’s done, it’s fine (well, nearly). The rush to be ready in time, with a lot of concentration, and then, this satisfied fatigue. Not like a program. Those bites back.

And I watched the play once more, what do I find in Brecht’s text, in the most moving sceen of the Jewish wife, deciding to leave Berlin, deciding to leave her husband: “You are able to understand quantum theory, but you let yourself command by brutes. You are monsters, no, the servants of monsters.”

But nothing without a hick-up: someone kicked in my car and spit on it. Why?

It is the second bump this week, after a scooter hit my car on Tuesday. Looks like a doomed period for me and my car. I just hate the idea to go back to a garage and I don't want to spent another couple of hundrends of euros, before the first bill is even paid. It's hard to abandon the belive in cosmic justice.

(In)-fame & Glory

Undeniably, whenever something nice happens, something bad follows as soon. Did I already expose my theory about luck being a Gaussian distribution? Everyone has there own mean value, and luck in life fluctuates around with a given sigma.

I felt so very happy and pleased, appreciated, when I got a mail from Jerry our spokes person yesterday: I should send him a photo of myself to appear on “Fermilab Today" within the result of the week column. It’s a kind of recognition a feel for, like all these years have not been vain and unnoticed, even if the work has been anything than glamorous. A plus five sigma event.

Then, just when I happily logged on this morning, there was this mail from Jan: something corrupted with the database! Somewhere results are not as expected. A quick look: the database looks fine, it must be somewhere else. No, no, no, no!

I don't even want to think about the possible consquences.

On top of it, I took two days off, to prepare after all German soups for a theater festival. I looked so much forward to it and I will be pretty busy with that the whole week-end.

How many minus sigma should I give to this?